


Shipper Ground Zero

by koalathebear



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:56:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koalathebear/pseuds/koalathebear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just goofing around and being silly ...............a long time ago, I wrote Being Stupid which was a silly goof around about shippiness in BSG fandom. This is the equivalent story for Stargate Atlantis.</p><p>Originally posted at <a href="http://koalathebear.livejournal.com/490893.html">my livejournal</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shipper Ground Zero

"Thank you all for attending today," Elizabeth said calmly as she studied the notepad before her. "Over the last few weeks, attendance at these briefings has been a little erratic. I understand that you all have extenuating circumstances but, I would appreciate it if for all our sakes you all made more of an effort to attend".

She looked at the slightly grim faces around her, McKay and Sheppard stood shoulder to shoulder, leaning against a wall. Teyla was sitting on a chair looking wary. Beckett and Cadman were sitting side by side on the sofa while Zelenka, Lorene and Novak were pacing the floor. Ford was tapping his foot erratically.

"For the love of all that is good and holy, _will_ you please stop that?" McKay demanded irritably.

"Sorry," Ford said sheepishly, although his black eye was disconcertingly expressionless. Kavanagh and Caldwell shot him baleful looks which he blithely ignored.

"It's not his fault, he needs the enzyme soon and this meeting is delaying his next dose," Carson defended him.

They all waited for Elizabeth to speak again. She studied the page again, grimacing slightly in anticipation of their reactions to their assignments. "Before I give you these, I want to tell all of you that I understand how hard these tasks can be at times ..... I appreciate your efforts and I hope that you will continue to discharge your duties with the courage, professionalism and enthusiasm of which you are all capable. I have said before that I regard you as the best, the brightest and bravest of characters".

Elizabeth ignored the fact that McKay was grimacing. She saw that Ronon was leaning negligently against the wall, arms crossed his eyes sardonic as they raked over her with lingering possessiveness.

 _Not now_ her eyes told him as she exhaled slowly and then walked around handing out the task lists. McKay and Sheppard exchanged glances at one another and then rolled their eyes. "Oh what a surprise," McKay drawled. "We're trapped on an alien planet together and discover the extent of our latent slashy feelings for one another".

Sheppard glanced through his list. "I have 12 het encounters and 11 slash - 9 of which are with Rodney".

"Who are the other two?" Rodney demanded indignantly.

"Zelenka while we're on the mainland searching for a cure for a plague and ....." John studied the page with a perplexed frown. "Ford. Clearly most of the fic writers are of the view that you escaped from the Hive Ship before it exploded," Sheppard mused.

Carson interrupted. "And there's an assumption that the enzyme acts like a form of Wraith viagra".

"Ewww!" everyone exclaimed in unison and Ford looked offended.

Teyla looked at her timetable, sighed and exchanged glances with Ronon who looked equally disgruntled. "Skanky jungle sex?" Elizabeth asked them with sympathy.

"At least five encounters, I believe I should ask the writers to change my apparel ..." Teyla said mournfully.

"Believe me, it doesn't help," Elizabeth said with feeling, glancing down at her own conservative attire. "It just fans the flames of their imagination even more ..."

John glanced at Teyla. "See the line up?" he asked her. Teyla nodded.

"Four times in the gym today," she says. "Three of which are after a bout of sweaty stick-fighting".

"But of course," John said in resignation. "If only the floor wasn' t so damned hard ...and next time don't hit me so hard with that stick".

Zelenka looked doleful. "I keep getting paired off with Dr Beckett and Rodney," he says. Then his face brightened as he saw the next item on his list. Elizabeth stiffened and then glanced down at her own task list. Sure enough, there it was. Zelenka/Weir. NC-17". Ronon gave a low growl in his throat which everyone ignored except Elizabeth who glanced at him with a look of faint longing in her eyes.

"Looks like it's you and me on the balcony again, Elizabeth," John said to her with a crooked grin. He rumpled his already rumpled hair. "What is it with fic writers and that damned balcony?"

"Better than me, I'm constantly pretending to be engaging in carnal relations in the Infirmary. It's a wonder I get to heal anyone at all," Carson said mournfully and Cadman comforted him. Carson beamed at her.

Teyla looked slightly frustrated. "Bates - looks like you and I are having angry enemy sex again". Bates rolled his eyes but nodded.

"See you in the usual corridor," he told her.

Caldwell and Kavanagh looked at their sheets and stared at Elizabeth. "As are we. With you, Dr Weir". A resigned expression crossed Elizabeth's face.

"When will fic writers learn that sometimes hate is just hate and not suppressed desire," she said soberly.

"You hate me?" Caldwell asked her reproachfully.

"She means me," Kavanagh said balefully. "And Dr Weir - your acting is appalling. During our last encounter, there was no way in the world anyone would possibly have found it convincing - least of all of me".

"I blame my co-actor for my less than stellar performance," she said icily and he glared at her.

"Oh no!!!!!!!!!" McKay wailed.

"What is it Rodney?" Elizabeth asked, walking over to him. No one noticed that she accidentally brushed past Ronon. The tall Satedan ran his hand down her bare arm briefly, his eyes were hot as banked coals. His eyes did not leave her slim, straight figure as she walked around the room.

"Not again!" Rodney complained. "Have you seen this one? McKay/ _Wraith Queen_ ".

Everyone flinched in sympathy.

"McKay, your life sucks," Ronon said laconically.

"No pun intended?" Rodney demanded wildly, throwing his arms into the air.

"Rodney, calm down. You're not the only one. Do you know how many Teyla/Michael fics are out there?" Teyla told him.

"Well at least Michael was kind of human ..."

"After he reverts to being a Wraith," Teyla said sourly.

"Oh". Rodney said.

"Wraiths are people, too?" Cadman tried to cheer up Rodney who glared at her. Before he could explode in fury, Beckett ran intervention.

"Well that is not precisely correct, in actual fact the Wraiths can trace their origins back to the iratus bug which .."

"Oh give it a rest, Carson. We've all heard the geneology of the Wraith more times than we've cared to hear".

"As long as it's not sex in the rain, I almost got pneumonia last time," Elizabeth said with a grimace of remembrance. "Remember Rodney? During _The Eye_ , some creative writer decided to have us do the wet and wild in the rain while Kolya was inside speaking to his men".

"Nothing wrong with sex in the rain," Ronon said unexpectedly and his eyes locked with Elizabeth who flushed slightly.

"Better than beach sex," John said. "What is it with the endless fixations of the fic writers with picnics on the mainland and riotous sex on the beach. Elizabeth and I took hours to get the sand out of ...." Elizabeth shot him a look.

".... our clothes," he faltered lamely. "Hey when you try to make it real, the sand just ...." his eyes narrowed slightly when he saw the expression in Ronon Dex's eyes. The young man looked as though he wanted to devour Elizabeth who was staring back at him in much the same way. Although she had paced around the room, she had somehow managed to end up standing by his side once more, scanning the list in her hand as her fingers reached out absently to tangle in his hair. Instead of glowering at her like he should have, Ronon merely turned his face towards her hand, his lips pressing a kiss against her skin.

"Errr ... are you two in the middle of a fic right now?" Rodney asked tentatively, staring at them warily.

"Is it time yet, Dr Weir?" The Unnamed Canadian Technician demanded, sticking his head into the room eagerly.

"Not yet," Ronon growled at him and the technician flinched and retreated, a shaken look on his boyish young face.

"Ronon, it's not his fault someone wrote an R-rated Weir/Unnamed Canadian Technician PWP fic," she said soothingly. She moved away from him reluctantly.

"If you're talking about fixations with beaches. How many birthdays do you have to have in the space of a month, Elizabeth?" McKay demanded. "Every time I turn around, Sheppard's giving you another birthday present. At this rate you're going to be older than your Alternate Self before you know it".

"I _am_ running out of original, sufficiently sweet, creative, individual and romantic gift ideas," Sheppard said wryly.

"What are you talking about? Everyone needs a vacuum cleaner," she told him.

"We seem to have many Christmas stories as well," Teyla said. "On Earth, does Christmas come so many times in a year?"

"No," everyone said in unison.

"I suppose there is a possibilty that given the massive time difference and the conflict with the wormhole between Earth and the Pegasus Galaxy that Christmas could conceivably come more than once a year," McKay theorised and then subsided into silence when everyone gave him a sceptical look.

"I'm seeing marked liver damage arising from alcohol abuse resulting from the proliferation of drunkeness that ends in energetic sex fics," Carson said gravely. "Dr Heightmeyer has already set up the first Pegasus chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous".

There was a soft hiccough and Elizabeth glanced over at Lorne and Novak who were sitting side by side. They looked good together, oddly complementary. She looked at them with faintly raised eyebrows.

"We're not doing anything," Novak protested, her eyes wide. "He's just really sweet," Novak said.

"Presumably after hanging out with Hermiod all the time, anyone starts to look good-looking," Lorne joked and Novak giggled.

"Oh please," McKay said irritably.

"I second that," Caldwell muttered. "This fandom is insane. I've never seen so many irrational, random pairings in my life outside of Harry Potter fandom".

McKay started frowning and he stared at Zelenka. "I've thought about this issue for a long time. It's possible that the fact that the writers of the show deliberately avoid any canon pairing support has led to this situation of absolute chaos for Atlantis shipping".

Zelenka nodded emphatically. "Because of the lack of endorsement for any one pairing beyond random kissing when possessed by aliens or when turning into iratus bugs ...."

"I hate those bugs," Sheppard muttered.

"Sorry Colonel Sheppard," Zelenka said apologetically.

McKay interrupted Zelenka's words. "This has led to a markedly higher concentration of non-canon pairings that might ordinarily exist in a fandom. I've been monitoring the Zed PM activity and I can tell you that it is getting worse".

"What are you saying, Rodney?" Elizabeth asked.

"We could have a shipping disaster of catastrophic proportions in this fandom," McKay told her as Zelenka nodded emphatically.

"I think we have that already," Teyla said sadly as she studied the bondage fic she had been given.

While everyone was looking at Zelenka and Rodney who were expounding on their theory, Ronon reached out his hand and caught Elizabeth by the hand, giving her a little tug to pull her down to sit on his lap. There was a half-hearted protest from Elizabeth which disappeared as soon as Ronon's firm lips met hers hungrily.

Shock filled the room as everyone stared at the couple who were lost to the world.

McKay looked around the room wildly. "No! _No!_ Tell me they are _not_ doing what I think they are!"

Sheppard shrugged negligently.

"I didn't even know that we were allowed to get together outside of fics". he shot a speculative look at Novak who stared at him in shock and then turned bright scarlet.

"The parameters are very clear - no unauthorised fraternisation outside of fan fics. Within the fic anything goes ... outside the fic - it's the Walls of Jericho. These rules are not to be trifled with."

McKay stared at Elizabeth's dark head in horror.

Ronon stopped kissing Elizabeth long enough to say thickly,"Rules mean nothing to me," he said bluntly.

"Elizabeth! _Stop_ kissing Ronon's tattoo!! As leader of this expedition it is your obligation to lead by example. Do you realise what this means...?"

Elizabeth turned her head and looked at him. Her eyes were heavy-lidded with desire, her mouth swollen and red. "What he said," she said indicating Ronon who was grinning wolfishly.

"If you'll excuse us," he said standing up with Elizabeth in his arms. He walked out of the room, kicking the door shut behind him.

There was a moment's silence before the room dissolved into chaotic noise.

"Ship Ground Zero," Rodney said dramatically.

"Total and complete shipping meltdown," Zelenka said emphatically before dissolving into a flood of voluble Czech. "This is serious!"

Lorne and Novak exchanged speculative glances at one another. Lorne raised an eyebrow at Novak who smiled shyly and nodded. The major held his hand out and the two of them left the room, hands clasped while McKay clutched at his hair in horror.

"I don't believe this! _Teyla!?!?_ What do you think you're _doing_?" he demanded as Teyla swung Zelenka over her shoulder in a fireman's carry and loped easily out of the room. The Czech gave them a huge thumbs up of glee as he disappeared from sight.

"This is ...." McKay muttered. "Well... since we're ...." he turned and glanced at Sheppard who was leaning against a wall. He raised an eyebrow. "Care to ...?"

Sheppard straightened. "No way," he said and walked out of the room.

"I'm reporting you to the McShep fans!" McKay called out, very offended.

"Go ahead, make my day!"

  
**The End**   



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